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Netfix: Yoga Hosers

Roughly a year ago, Kevin Smith released Tusk into the world. Though it was not received kindly, behind the scenes of the grotesque adventure  was an entirely different scenario – a time of family bonding and friendship, as it were. After seeing his daughter and her best friend behind the clerk’s counter, Smith was inspired to weave a new story just for them.

And what a tale it is.

Yoga Hosers stars Harley Smith and Lily-Rose Depp as Colleen McKenzie and Colleen Collette, respectively. These two sophomores love to hang out, jam, and practice yoga. The only thing spoiling their precious youth is their part-time job at the local convenience store Eh-to-Zed.

 

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Glamthrax is an awesome band name.

One fateful day, everything changes for the Colleen Coalition: they are unexpectedly invited to a Year 12 Party! OMG! 😂

Frankly the first half-hour of the movie is pedantic teen nonsense with some Smodisms tossed in – but when Guy Lapointe (Johnny Depp reprising the role) steps in, things get really weird, and so much more fun. What begins as a teen romp snowballs (heheh) into a cascade of B-movie mayhem, with bratwurst Natzis. Bratzis.

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Justin Long as Yogi Bayer

The Good
This film was a family affair – chocked full of cameos (including both the girls’ families), references and easter-eggs. It’s obvious everyone was having fun on this one. Needless to say I am still looking forward to the final chapter of the True North Trilogy, Moose Jaws (which is like Jaws, but with a moose).

The Bad
Though the intentions were good, this portrayal of teenage girls was painfully pandering, to the point of being embarrassingly condescending. Also are undergrads trying to get into senior parties still a thing? (Was it ever a thing?)

Considering this was aimed towards modern teen girls, but features 80’s/90’s references, it’s hard to figure out who this movie’s really aimed at.

The “What the f*ck?”
Is it weird that I thought the bratzis were strangely adorable? …Did you know that is the same voice he uses to speak to his dogs? (Coincidently, Smith’s dachshund, Shecky, also makes a cameo.)

In all, this movie’s pretty fun. Dumb, but fun.

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Two gals, a Guy and a sausage party.

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Excision

There will be blood.

Oh yes, there will be blood.

Ah yes, high school – a volatile time where adolescents believe they are at the cusp of adulthood, while simultaneously thinking only of the present with little regard to consequence. Unless you’re our protagonist, Pauline (AnnaLynne McCord) – she has everything worked out. Pauline doesn’t have many friends and she doesn’t seem to mind. She has better things to do and much to learn, considering all she wants in her life is to become a surgeon. What’s a better way to focus her hematolagniac fantasies?

Excision features a protagonist unlike any other, namely because she is neither male nor a vampire. This is a teenage girl who loves blood, but fortunately she wants to help people, if only her parents would understand. More so, she recognizes that she has some psychosexual delusions and she would like to work them out. Though she begs for psychiatric guidance, her disapproving mother (ex-porn star and John Waters collaborator Traci Lords) simply pushes religion and cotillion – both of which Pauline sadistically exploits.

For once, we have a weird girl protagonist that is legitimately weird. That’s a good thing: Pauline’s not evil by any means, nor is she incredibly annoying or promiscuous in that “geek girl” manner. Okay, so she has retaliation issues, so what? Not all of us can handle awkward situations as well as the next person. And in the end, she decides to put her well, bloodlust, to good use. In a twisted sort of way – but with good intent.

What makes Excision a cult hit in my mind is just what I’ve been going on about: an original character-based story with striking visuals, and that’s just weird enough to make you feel a little uncomfortable while throwing in some humor. And it’s also underrated. Of course, a story like this does not go without fault; considering high tensions are only built between Pauline and her mother, the father and younger sister characters are about as dynamic as a pancake (still thicker than a crepe) at best. Likewise, Excision also suffers from this ongoing fad of the anti-ending. Although this film leaves much to be desired, the ride’s still pretty intense.

You Never Forget Your First

Cheeky.

Cheeky.

Ever see a teen movie that makes you question conventions about relationships – plutonic or otherwise?  I mean, I’m sure you have.  Ever about zombies?  No, this isn’t Warm Bodies.  I’m talking about Deadgirl.

This movie’s pretty darn nasty, but I think I have a penchant for finding things to discuss in regards to nasty things.  On the surface, we’re basically looking at zombie-rape teen drama.  What?  I told you this movie’s nasty.  Key phrase here, “surface.”

Deadgirl is about a pair of friends, Rickie and JT – your typical 20-something high school students who would easily fall in the loser/burnout category.  One day they decide to skip class and do their typical loser/burnout things, such as get crunked and explore an abandoned psychiatric hospital.  Deep within the catacombs they discover a something most strange – a naked girl strapped to a bed.  Upon this discovery, we instantly discover the boys’ respective moral compass: Rickie wants to call for help, but JT simply sees a sexy little number looking for action.  Insert feminist groan.  Then JT inevitably finds out that this stranger is indeed a nameless, mute zombie, and becomes his own personal play-thing.  Queue a far more disgusted groan…and a little bit of controlled vomiting.

High-schoolers.

High-schoolers.

Yes, I realize this is an incredibly extreme situation which transcends all we know as reality.  I mean, there’s no way we’re dealing with an “average kid” who’s as twisted as JT.  Well, except for maybe Daryl Sabara in World’s Greatest Dad.  That’s for another day.  When looking at this movie, I think it’s best to think in terms of extremity, as well as just pure rawness.

I see the Deadgirl herself less as a victim and more of a metaphor.  Because really, I don’t think this movie was made with human rights implications in mind.  Are zombies really a people?  They’ve always been objectified, clustered as an ominous horde, like hornets or mimes.  Furthermore , being that “extreme” is a common theme throughout this film,  the catalyst for these boys’ dichotomies is something as putrid as it is mystifying (because I struggle to say “alluring”).  Similarly Joann, the object of Rickie’s affection, is, well, objectified – he desperately clings to this construct of her, that same girl he fell in love with in his younger years, when clearly she has moved on.  Such is the simplification of angsty teen romance.  Just a note, the climax with Joann – best part.

Yeah...it's rough.

Watching this movie is no walk in the park, but there’s something about it that gave it a special place in my weird little heart.  It’s undoubtedly Donnie Darkoesque, which is not to say that it’s nearly as good, but that’s beside the point.  It’s this atmosphere combined with its raw content that creates an original work that is either loved or hated.  I mean, I really dig it – and I know I’m not the only one:

Forget what you’ve heard.  Past any controversy, Deadgirl is a film beautiful in every way: about friendship, love, rejection, obsession, and all the horror that comes along with such teenaged emotions.  See it and make it the classic it deserves. – Fangoria